I Can Do Hard Things

I've written this post a million times in my head, but haven't been able to make myself actually write it here until now. I'm sure most of you who read this already know our sad news, but I think there are a few people who haven't heard. I've debated whether or not I wanted to write about this on the blog at all, since I don't usually post really personal things, but I decided today to just go ahead and tell the story. Maybe it'll help me feel better, I hope so, but I doubt it.

On August 17th, I was 12 1/2 weeks pregnant and went to my first real doctors appointment. I knew something was wrong, only I didn't want to admit it. I just chalked it up to me being extra paranoid. There wasn't anything wrong. I wasn't having any problems. I was still absolutely and completely sick, just like I had been for the past few months. Turns out I wasn't paranoid, I was right. When the doctor did the ultrasound, there on the screen was my sweet, perfect looking little baby...except it didn't have a heartbeat anymore.

I cannot tell you how sickening that moment felt. The Doctor measured the baby and it looked like the heart had stopped beating just a few days before. I wanted to scream and cry... or both, but I didn't. I talked to the doctor about our options and we decided that at this point in the pregnancy, with me still being very sick, that the best thing to do would be to have a D & C. It was scheduled for the 19th.

I walked out to the car where Ryan and the kids were waiting and got in. I could hardly get the words out, but I did. I have lost a baby before, between my girls, but I was only 8 weeks, and the kids didn't know yet. I told my sweet kids that the baby they were so anxiously awaiting would not be coming home with us in February. I told them that the baby, the same one who just the day before they were fighting over who got to hold first after it was born, had died. They were quiet for a minute and then one of them piped up, "Do we still get to have bunk beds?" That made me laugh and I told them yes.

I had surgery on the 19th, it wasn't a big deal and I felt okay right afterward. The next two days though I just kept getting worse. I was having horrible pain and by Sunday night I went to the ER. An ultrasound showed that after the D&C, my uterus had filled up with blood. This is a fairly rare complication. My Doctor said he has only had it happen 3 times. I ended up having to have a second D&C on the 25th, because we were worried that I might hemorrhage at home.

The second surgery was very difficult. I had a horrible time in recovery and needed lots of extra medicine. I didn't even get to see Ryan for an hour because I wasn't stable. It was miserable and I ended up being severely anemic because I had lost so much blood. The recovery has been very slow. It has been a week since the second surgery and I am just now starting to get back to myself, and even then it's a really slowed down version of myself.

This has been such an awful experience. I feel so much guilt because I was so sick all summer that I barely got off the couch and the poor older kids had to take on so much responsibility. I really felt like all those months were for nothing. Then I got a message from a sweet friend who told me something that gave me such comfort.

She said that "some little spirits just need a body." So simple, so true. It made such a difference for me because I absolutely believe that is true. And, if that is true then those months weren't for nothing. They were for something very important and they had an extremely valuable purpose.

While this has been a truly sad experience for us, I have also been amazed at how much joy I have been able to find. My neighbors ( I don't know why I call them neighbors, they are really my friends) have been so wonderful. They have fed us, been so supportive of us, and been amazing with my children. My 2nd surgery was on the first day of school and I was so upset that I wouldn't be able to take Jack and Sunny. My friend took them and took pictures and walked them to where they were supposed to be, and checked on them in their classrooms. Everything I wanted to do, but couldn't It doesn't get any better than that.

I have learned many things during this experience, but the one that has impacted me the most is the realization that

"I CAN DO HARD THINGS"

I really don't like to, and I hope I don't have to do anything else hard any time soon, but I can do hard things.

Five

1, 2, 3, 4 . . .

and

#5

(coming Feb. 2011)

Mr.G's 12-Month Check-Up

I decided to try and get a few pictures of Griff this afternoon. It started off with me taking him outside and trying to get a cute pose. That lasted for all of 10 seconds before this happened...

He obviously thought it would be fun to get up and try to escape the photo shoot...

He's getting to be a pretty good little walker, that's for sure. I miss the days when they stay where you put them.

Then we moved inside, because obviously the grass wasn't doing it for Griffin. But, we had the same problem. This time he kept going for the piano.

Ahhh, success!

Took him to the doctor today and my "Big" boy is not so big anymore.

20 lbs 14 oz -- 21st%
30 inches -- 60th%

18 inch head -- 31st% (up from the 10th%, whoo-hoo)

So, my big boy is now a little boy, but I knew he wasn't going to stay big forever. He is actually a few ounces smaller than Jackson was at that age. They are very similar in size, which I think is pretty cute.

Sunny helped me take him to the doctor, and she is hilarious. She wore a new dress and she whispered to me how she hoped Dr. Wilcox would notice. Well, of course he did. That is how wonderful he is. He came in and told her how pretty her dress was and that he thought she should wear it on the first day of first grade. He also asked her what she had been doing lately and she told him all about how she learned to drive a boat (pictures coming). She was thrilled with all the attention!

Happy Birthday Day Griffin

So, not a great picture of Ryan (sorry Ryan), but isn't Griffy adorable!?!

This has been a fast year. I can't believe my baby is 1. He is so adorable, and yet he is the grouchiest kid I've ever seen. Seriously, this kid has an attitude.

Favorite Food: Anything he can shove in his mouth.

He has 8 teeth. The most any of my kids have had at a year.

He is a pretty decent walker, although he still crawls the majority of the time.

He loves, loves, loves his Sunny Bunny and his Daddy and he tolerates the rest of us.

He is a pretty big kid ( I think anyway) and is wearing 2T clothes already. He goes to the doctor this week, so we'll find out how big he really is then. I'd guess around 23 pounds or so.

Happy Birthday Little G. We love you.

Fishing

Last week Jax spent the night over at Mimi and Bear's and he had a great time. He and Bear woke up extra early and left the house to go fishing at 5:30. Mom expected them to be gone for a couple of hours...they didn't come back until lunch time. When they got home she knew Jax would be hungry so she went to make him so Lasagna. He refused. Instead Bear skinned and cooked the fish they had caught together. Jax said it tasted awesome. I think we have a little fisherman on our hands! Good thing he has Bear to teach him how to do it.

MRI Day

Today Jax had an MRI up at Primary Children's. They wanted to check the profusion of blood from the little vessels in his heart that were also switched around during his surgery. The most un-fun part, according to Jackson, was getting what he has termed his "VIP's". That would be IV's for the rest of us :) He had to have one in each arm. He actually did great and held very still for the nurse.

He brought along Rambo, his favorite stuffed animal. Rambo belonged to Uncle B.J. and he gave him to Jax. Thus making Rambo Jackson's prized possession.

Another shot of his battle wounds. I wish I would've thought to take a picture of the actual IV. They were hanging out of each arm and wrapped up and he couldn't even bend his arms.

First off, I didn't notice the zipper down until it was too late, so oh well :) These are some leads on his chest that they used during the MRI.

He did great. He went right up on the table and onto the machine. They put headphones and a mouth piece thing on him and then another thing over his chest and face that looked like a shield. Next thing I knew, he was in the tube and doing great.

When we made the appointment for the MRI they told us that they sedate children his age, but we didn't want to do it. They decided if we thought he could do it then they would let us try. I have been impressing on him the importance of not moving during the test for weeks and weeks. The whole thing takes 45 minutes if the person holds perfectly still. Jax held absolutely still for 30 minutes and then Ryan noticed his chest moving up and down. He had started crying. They stopped the MRI and came and and tried to calm him down, but he was really upset and he couldn't stop crying and he wouldn't say what was wrong.

They couldn't sedate him because he had eaten today and we were afraid we were going to have to stop and come back again and start all over. Finally they called his cardiologist down to look at the images they had gotten so far. Turns out that because Jax had been so perfectly still they had all the images they needed and from what they saw his heart was looking good (though I'm sure we'll get the official results later).

Later he told us that he really needed to itch his arm, but he knew he wasn't allowed to move and he didn't know what to do. What a sweet kid.

His next doctors appointment for his heart is in October and he will have an EKG and an ECHO. Hopefully the good news will keep rolling in.

Our Summer

I just spent forever trying to upload a few pictures, but for some reason I can't get them to work. So, here is an update on our summer with no pictures.

In June the kids and I went on a mini-vacation with Mom to Salt Lake. We started with "This is the Place" park. For those who don't know it is an old pioneer village. They have volunteers dressed in costume who tell you about the different houses and help the kids do activities. My kids made candles and puppets, just like pioneer children would have. They also went to the petting zoo (Jax and Lila loved it. Sunny hated it, but she did it. I was proud of her for conquering her fear of animals long enough to walk through it quickly).

After we finished there, we headed to downtown Salt Lake to find our hotel. I think the kids would say this was the best part. It is amazing how much they loved it. We found our room and then went downstairs to swim in the indoor pool. Unfortunately it was freezing...as was the hot tub. That combined with Griffin's incessant screaming was enough to send us back to our room to order some pizza for dinner.

The next morning Mom took just the big kids swimming and this time they had a ball. They swam and swam and soaked in the (now hot) hot tub. When they were finished we walked over to the Gateway to go to the children's museum. It was fabulous. Jax's favorite thing was the life-flight helicopter on the roof. You get to climb inside and press buttons and pretend like you're flying it. Lila says here favorite thing was "to play balls" which was tons of ball-pit balls that you could play with and send through tubes and machines. Sunny liked everything, but she says she really like the penny thing the best, which was one of those wishing well penny donation things by the front desk. The kind where you put the penny in the shoot and it spins round and round until it drops down the hole. Doesn't take much to impress her I suppose.

After the museum we walked down so Applebees for lunch and then back to the splash pad for a while. It was a really fun vacation and the kids loved it. Hopefully we'll do it again soon and bring Ryan with us.

In other news:

Jax and Ryan finished baseball season. They had a great team and they both really enjoyed it. Jax has quite the talent for baseball and it was really fun to watch him.

We have spent most of our time playing with friends outside. I have to say that we live on the best street ever. Most afternoons we can be found outside either at our own house, or a neighbors house with about 20 children playing in pools, slip n' slides, or the big water slide that our next door neighbors are kind enough to share with everyone. It is so fun for the kids to live so close to all their friends and so fun that they get to spend so much time together.

We also at our 4th of July BBQ for our street this last weekend. It was awesome as usual. Good food, good fun, and good people. We ate, played games, and watched a fireworks show. It is such a fun tradition. I'll say it again...we love our neighbors. They are some fun people!

The morning of July 3rd we celebrated "Blair Family Day" with Ryan's family and a park by his Mom's house. We played games and then went back to his Mom's to eat a delicious lunch. It is so nice for the whole family to be able to spend time together.

And, to wrap this all up, a short update on each kid.

Jax: He had his 7 year old check-up and is doing great. He is almost 50 pounds and 50 inches tall. Growing like a weed and very healthy. He goes to Primary Children's next week for an MRI, and also goes in October for an Echo and his regular cardiology appointment. He is really wishing school were here because he loves it so much.

Sunny: She is still my big helper. So sweet and cute. I wish I could freeze her in time. I took her and Lila to a "Mother/Daughter" event with my Mom and we had such a fun time together. She is looking forward to 1st grade, but is having a ball playing with all her friends.

Lila: Oh Heavens!! Lila is...Lila. Very sweet, very smart, very stubborn, and very opinionated. She likes to be in charge at all times. My favorite story about her this week is that we have had a fly in our house for about 3 days that we cannot get out. Every time she sees it she says, "Shoo fly, Shoo...get out of here." On the second day, I walked into the kitchen and she turned to me in all seriousness with her hands on her hips and said, "He is not shooing...he is so bad" I cracked up. I sure love little Lila Cate...attitude and all.

Griffin: Sweet Griffin has spent the summer doing what Griffin does best...growing! He is getting so big. I can't believe he will be 1 in a few weeks. He is very close to walking and I love seeing him practice over and over again. He is such a sweet little guy. He loves to be held and loves to play with this brothers and sisters.

Things couldn't be better!

p.s. I know there are lots of spelling errors in this, but I don't care. I gotta go put Griff to bed and I really don't feel like fixing everything.