I've written this post a million times in my head, but haven't been able to make myself actually write it here until now. I'm sure most of you who read this already know our sad news, but I think there are a few people who haven't heard. I've debated whether or not I wanted to write about this on the blog at all, since I don't usually post really personal things, but I decided today to just go ahead and tell the story. Maybe it'll help me feel better, I hope so, but I doubt it.
On August 17th, I was 12 1/2 weeks pregnant and went to my first real doctors appointment. I knew something was wrong, only I didn't want to admit it. I just chalked it up to me being extra paranoid. There wasn't anything wrong. I wasn't having any problems. I was still absolutely and completely sick, just like I had been for the past few months. Turns out I wasn't paranoid, I was right. When the doctor did the ultrasound, there on the screen was my sweet, perfect looking little baby...except it didn't have a heartbeat anymore.
I cannot tell you how sickening that moment felt. The Doctor measured the baby and it looked like the heart had stopped beating just a few days before. I wanted to scream and cry... or both, but I didn't. I talked to the doctor about our options and we decided that at this point in the pregnancy, with me still being very sick, that the best thing to do would be to have a D & C. It was scheduled for the 19th.
I walked out to the car where Ryan and the kids were waiting and got in. I could hardly get the words out, but I did. I have lost a baby before, between my girls, but I was only 8 weeks, and the kids didn't know yet. I told my sweet kids that the baby they were so anxiously awaiting would not be coming home with us in February. I told them that the baby, the same one who just the day before they were fighting over who got to hold first after it was born, had died. They were quiet for a minute and then one of them piped up, "Do we still get to have bunk beds?" That made me laugh and I told them yes.
I had surgery on the 19th, it wasn't a big deal and I felt okay right afterward. The next two days though I just kept getting worse. I was having horrible pain and by Sunday night I went to the ER. An ultrasound showed that after the D&C, my uterus had filled up with blood. This is a fairly rare complication. My Doctor said he has only had it happen 3 times. I ended up having to have a second D&C on the 25th, because we were worried that I might hemorrhage at home.
The second surgery was very difficult. I had a horrible time in recovery and needed lots of extra medicine. I didn't even get to see Ryan for an hour because I wasn't stable. It was miserable and I ended up being severely anemic because I had lost so much blood. The recovery has been very slow. It has been a week since the second surgery and I am just now starting to get back to myself, and even then it's a really slowed down version of myself.
This has been such an awful experience. I feel so much guilt because I was so sick all summer that I barely got off the couch and the poor older kids had to take on so much responsibility. I really felt like all those months were for nothing. Then I got a message from a sweet friend who told me something that gave me such comfort.
She said that "some little spirits just need a body." So simple, so true. It made such a difference for me because I absolutely believe that is true. And, if that is true then those months weren't for nothing. They were for something very important and they had an extremely valuable purpose.
While this has been a truly sad experience for us, I have also been amazed at how much joy I have been able to find. My neighbors ( I don't know why I call them neighbors, they are really my friends) have been so wonderful. They have fed us, been so supportive of us, and been amazing with my children. My 2nd surgery was on the first day of school and I was so upset that I wouldn't be able to take Jack and Sunny. My friend took them and took pictures and walked them to where they were supposed to be, and checked on them in their classrooms. Everything I wanted to do, but couldn't It doesn't get any better than that.
I have learned many things during this experience, but the one that has impacted me the most is the realization that
"I CAN DO HARD THINGS"
I really don't like to, and I hope I don't have to do anything else hard any time soon, but I can do hard things.
Lila wanted her picture taken too. Mok gave Sunny this dress when she was Lila's age. Sunny wore it for her 3 year old pictures and her hair was exactly the same length as Lila's is now. Their faces are totally different though. I love this little dress. It is a cute little reminder of how fast they grow.
